April 9, 2018 at 9:46pm - the one who made me a mother...
Each year, I write a letter to Easton on his birthday. It started as just a journal entry and grew into my most treasured time capsule tradition that I've carried on with Wilder as well. Writing a little story to reflect on his year and milestones, but also reflecting on MY year and milestones, as a mother. Tucked neatly in a white envelope, sealed with love and addressed to "My Darling Easton Reed, on your 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and now...5th Birthday" I haven't decided when I'll give him these letters, but I'll know when the time is right.
It became clearer and clearer to me, in those first 2-3 years that felt like they dragged on for 20... how much I was growing too.
My initiation and transition from maiden to mother is a journey that took me....five years. Yup, literally today.
It was dark, dreary, devastatingly lonely, isolated, I was broken and had NO idea how to put the pieces back together. There are still moments that I find myself feeling guilty for pretty much blacking out the first two years of his sweet life.
I was DEEP in the trenches. In pure survival mode. EVERYTHING felt hard.
The stuff that no one tells you about.
His soul chose mine, he knew the patterns and cycles I needed to break. The inner child wounds I longed to heal. He saw already the highest version of me and has been guiding me to become her every day for the last five years.
Oh sweet boy, thank you for choosing me.
And while only five years in, is still just skimming the surface of my motherhood journey...
Here are five things I wish I could have told my 27 year old self as she walked through the sacred portal of motherhood:
1. Allow yourself to break. You're not meant to be the same person you we're before. I promise you - bit by bit, piece by piece, you'll find her. You're here to do hard things, and who you're becoming is bigger, brighter and more impactful than you can even imagine.
2. Leave your expectations at the door. People won't always treat you and support you in the ways you expected them to. This doesn't mean they don't care. Let go of the picture perfect village and situation you thought you'd have. It'll fester and fester into a bursting bubble of resentment that will consume every precious fleeting moment you have. Once you do this, you'll start to notice how they DO support you and will stop focusing on what they're not doing.
3. Ask for help. No like REALLY....ask for it. Accept it. REALLY receive it. It gets easier and easier to receive. You're not meant to do this alone.
4. Stop doing everything you THINK your mother wants you to do. It's only making you resent her. She really isn't judging you or your parenting, she's just trying to guide you in the only way she knows how. It's okay to carve your own path. You've already done that your whole life - hell, what's stopping you now.
5. Take care of yourself. Breathe. Eat. Laugh. Dance. Paint. and above all else, protect your energy like its your most sacred source of currency - because it is. You set the tone for your home. Taking care of you first, allows you to take care of everyone else better.
And Mama, just remember - the universe only gives you what you can handle. Even when it feels like nothing is going right and life as you know it is crumbling - it's not happening TO you, it's happening FOR you. And its your invitation to zoom on and contemplate the bigger picture.
You are doing everything right. You are MORE than enough.
To celebrate five years of watching this beautiful, fearless, sensitive, intuitive, larger than life boy of mine grow into more than I could have ever dreamed (sometimes I wonder how he turned out so good because most of the time, I feel like he's teaching me more than I teach him!)
Sending you all so much love and light - but also reminding you that without darkness, there would be no light.